Surprising how I haven’t got tired of calling you
late
at
night
Hoping for some human contact
Anything
To make me feel that I am real
I am alive
I am not alone
A single touch can bring me back
And hold me here
To the tangible world
With his head bent down in concentration, she analyzes his graying and balding hair
and tries to remember if it had been this way when he had courted her a year ago
his calloused, coarse hand undeniably shakes as he lifts the pen off the page
time and time again, he lifts his hand and the compulsory shaking begins
he feels her stare, tilts his head up, and smiles, looking directly at her
instead of easing her growing concern, the dark, red bags under his
wrinkled eyes give a hard-earned look of age-given contentment
and the strong, clear, deep blue that used to effortlessly pierce
her heart is densely cloudy, his thin smile of ease crinkled
at the edges, makes her severely uncomfortable
and she is frozen, unable to return the smile
she feels the subdued intensity of his love
he is tired now, always tired, tired, tired
she attempts another calculating look
he touches his wrist in pain
and she wonders
how she ever
fell in love
with him,
when she
herself
is
young
pretty
and
new
in his bed
in his house
she asked him once
if he loved her
but she asked like a coward
in the quiet of the night
while he was falling asleep
and in either his delirium
or his negation
he didn’t answer
but remained quietly
with his back against her
and she stayed awake
unable to sleep
seeing if his breathing would change
become slower and deeper
she sat
in his bed
and listened
(after our poem session)
i instinctively want to touch you
to hold on to something real,
beyond myself
because all the words are falling away from me
glossing over me
and not sinking
-
surrounded by the softness
of words
falling and rising
drifting off and dissolving
they will never be
heard again
-
grasp this reality
this peace of the moment
and know someone else
can feel it too
The feeling
of weakness
of insecurity
of vulnerability
These are things I don’t allow myself to feel
in real life
So I allow them to creep
into
the bedroom
And I allow you
to feel
powerful
and in control
commanding
And I allow myself
to be weak,
helpless,
left completely to your will
I kept the flowers you left on my porch
Your kind, drastic gesture of love
The purple petals of the lilies were beautiful
Unopened
I anticipated their blossoms
And slowly one by one
The insides, the stamens errect with pollen,
Fully opened
The sweet smell suffocating
Intoxicating
Attempting to lure a bee that will never come
Like a glass full to the brim with water
Another drop, another day
The mouths opening wider and the scent becoming stronger
Till one day they tipped over the edge to death
I put them on my desk and watched them die
I became accustomed to the smell
First, the pollen began to fall
No longer supported by the sticky tips
The orange-red love dust covering my desk
Staining my papers, my books
And my fingertips
I ignored the small signs of death
But then the petals began to fall
And I knew that their beauty would never be renewed
Today I finally threw the flowers out
Re-realizing that flowers in vases are worthless
Because there are never any roots to grow
Betrayal was where I was yesterday,
When I actually cared.
Now, all I feel is relief.
Now, I don’t have to worry about the sin that you and I committed.
The sickening feeling of emptiness
-the vacant bedside left dirty, discarded, desolate
No, you couldn’t allow me to feel that
Instead, you filled me with your hopes week after week
You choked me
Suffocated me until I believed
The only breath allotted was full of belief
Until all I could taste was faith in you and us
“Yes, things will change”
That’s more betrayal than finding you with another woman.
I’ll know my name when I hear you say it.
Because right now, my whole life lingers on the words
The syllables
That you bestow
On Me
where we tentatively linger is on the brink of complete bliss and chaos Distopia and Eutopia coinciding in - in the look in your eyes in the weary smile you give me in the words we say in the words we don’t - in the choice between two words yes or no - a single word - with a single word set me free - now
Fuck fuck fuck.
I say this to myself
OUTLOUD
Because I am the only
Person
In this room
Only I can hear
I’m waiting for my dinner
To ding its readiness
Ding
Time to eat
Beep Beep Beep
Time to do something
Knock Knock
Time to -
Not my
Door
Never
Breathless sigh
Only I can hear
Nothing
Why can’t you be more like your sister?
Can’t you stay out of trouble?
What’s wrong with you?
Where did we go wrong?
I’m sorry I’m not the perfect child you want me to be.
It’s your fault that I am this way.
I’m fucked up because of you.
Why can’t you accept me for who I am?
You’ll get over him.
But he was the love of my life!
I remember when I was young…
You could never understand what I am going through right now.
You don’t appreciate the things we do for you.
Just leave me alone.
But that’s not fair.
Life’s not fair.
I just want you to have the life I never had.
I can’t wait till I get outta here.
Why does our family have to be so screwed up?
Why does our family have to be so screwed up?
where we tentatively linger is on the brink of complete bliss and chaos
Distopia and Eutopia coinciding in
-
in the look in your eyes
in the weary smile you give me
in the kiss I steal
in the words we say
in the words we don’t
-
in the choice between two words
-
a single word
-
with a single word
you can fuck me up
set me free
or
hold me tight
and let us be
-
Be all the shit you can’t
stand
Be what you’ve been waiting
for
Be a whole
us
Be what we both need
now
Be everything in
-
One moment
